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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
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Jokes
Scroll down and you'll see Santa!
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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa
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12/15/2005, 11:51 pm
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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
Posts: 2221
Karma: 60 (+126/-66)
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Re: Jokes
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
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12/15/2005, 11:52 pm
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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
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Re: Jokes
man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?""Yes," comes back the answer... "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk....
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12/15/2005, 11:53 pm
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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
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Re: Jokes
Got this forward from a friend. For those who don't know, Delia refers to Delia Smith, a celebrity chef here in the UK. Enjoy!
Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tins, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh***. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes".
Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might
still have the headache, but you won't give a sh***!
Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?
FINALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP
Delia's Way
Freeze left-over wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real woman's Way
Left-over wine?????? Hello!!!!!!!
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12/15/2005, 11:54 pm
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bhazler
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Registered: 04-2005
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Re: Jokes
sertab wrote:
Scroll down and you'll see Santa!
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*
*
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For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there is no Santa
WHAT, when did this happen
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12/23/2005, 3:50 am
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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
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Re: Jokes
Oh dear, did your dreams all get broken?
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12/27/2005, 10:53 pm
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moneyballs2
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Registered: 05-2005
Location: Third Rock
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Re: Jokes
sertab wrote:
Delia's Way
Freeze left-over wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real woman's Way
Left-over wine?????? Hello!!!!!!!
Lol, Can't Get A Real Women To Leave Any Wine, God That Would Be Difficult To Do! lol
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I'm really busy with school. So i'm unsure of when I'll be back to post...
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12/30/2005, 2:55 am
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AWEO Master
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Registered: 08-2005
Location: California, US
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Re: Jokes
whoa talk about double posting...
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Carpe Diem!
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1/2/2006, 7:15 pm
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Sertab
BOTM0706
Registered: 05-2005
Posts: 2221
Karma: 60 (+126/-66)
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Re: Jokes
Uh? what double do you mean?
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1/6/2006, 11:45 pm
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Drago Lordist
Registered: 08-2004
Location: Hometown, USA!
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Re: Jokes
gotta love the peeking duck joke! 
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1/8/2006, 9:22 pm
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StevenResearcher
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Registered: 02-2006
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 Re: Jokes
Does anyone still go on this anymore?
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3/13/2006, 6:35 am
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StevenResearcher
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Registered: 02-2006
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Funny
>>I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
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>>she called me to get my phone number.
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>>she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it
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>>"concentrate."
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>>she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
>>mind.
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>>she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
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>>she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
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>>she tried to drown a fish.
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>>she thought a quarterback was a refund.
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>>she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
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>>death.
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>>she tripped over a cordless phone.
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>>she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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>>she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
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>>she studied for a blood test.
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>>she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
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>>when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
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>>she moved.
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>>when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
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>>instead.
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>>when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
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>>"Airport Left" she turned around and went home
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Hehee
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3/23/2006, 1:28 am
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lemonsforcostas
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Registered: 04-2006
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Re: Jokes
These two guys were walking down the street and one guy walked into a bar and the other one ducked. 
Last edited by lemonsforcostas, 4/21/2006, 7:33 pm
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4/21/2006, 7:32 pm
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DEADmantaker666
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Registered: 12-2004
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Re: Jokes
(This take place on a third story bar)
There was a guy that went into a bar. He ordered a huge beer, chugged it, went over to the window and jumped out. 10 minutes later he came back, went over to the window and jumped out. 30 minutes went by and the same guy came back. He ordered a huge beer. This other guy who was here for the last hour or so asked him, "Hey how do you keep coming back after you jump out the window?" The first guy says, "Well, it's easy, when you order a beer and chug it, you get all warm inside and since warm air rises, you fall slowly to the sidewalk below." The second guy says "Wow! I have to try this!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window and jumps out. He splats all over the sidewalk below. The bartender looks at the first guy and says, "Superman, your a real a$$hole when your drunk!".
Last edited by DEADmantaker666, 5/30/2006, 2:58 am
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5/30/2006, 2:58 am
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ORGUN
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Registered: 03-2006
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Re: Jokes
good joke
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3/16/2007, 1:05 am
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Raven88
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Registered: 01-2006
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Re: Jokes
Nice jokes! 
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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3/16/2007, 2:15 am
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