A toast to free spirited ways....forever!
Current mood: artistic
I’ve been neglecting you these days, I know. It’s sad that one of the few certainties in my life is that I still have the ability to write, even though I have been slacking quite a bit. And yet in these last few weeks I haven’t really had that much to say. Inspiration just hasn’t struck me with much of anything profound. I don’t suppose that’s a bad thing, for if one were to sit and ponder anything profound every single day I would think they would go mad. Either that or they are baked every single day, and that’s not my thing.
I have learned some things over these last few weeks as well, and I have been busy with various get-togethers and other things with family, friends, and boring co-workers. I have eaten enough food to feed a small village for three days, which I think most of us do around this time of year, though that doesn’t make it justified.
One of the things I have learned is that if life continues on this path I am on, I have no intentions of ever getting married. That’s right. NEVER. And I’ll be just fine with that. Too many times I have heard of people who are miserable in their relationships, and I think to myself, “Why on earth would I want that?” Then after they talk about how sad they are, they attempt to smooth over the situation with, “Oh, but YOU’LL find someone.” Yeah, right. This is the girl that if there’s a ½ chance of getting a free prize under a pop bottle lid, “Please try again.” So I don’t foresee this ever becoming a reality, no white knights to rescue damsels, no men of honor and valor and all those things that used to be important. These girls that I have talked to, my great friends (and some not so great friends) all talk about how great things were in the beginning. But then the husbands changed, became controlling, demanding, and verbally and physically abusive or simply treated them as though they were invisible. They took no stock in their dreams anymore, because their dreams died when they married these men. By this time the women have children, and to not break up the families they stay with the men who in essence……break them. Break their spirit, break their confidence, and make them believe that without them they are worthless. I would rather spend the rest of my days without any sort of suitor (do people still say suitor? Who cares?) then to live my life under the thumbnail of someone else. It would kill me, more painfully than any wound ever could. I have big dreams, and while this may be construed as selfish, then that is my choice to make.
I love my family and friends. I have no idea where I would be without my family, and though they aggravate me sometimes to the point of sickness, they are blood. Nothing can take that away. Nothing. And real friends, not those people who sit there and claim to be BFF or whatever other ridiculous acronym and then stab you in the back. I had a dinner last night with my four closest friends, and I truly think that it was just as therapeutic for every member of this little group sitting there. There’s the girl desperately trying to break free from her parents, even using a man she doesn’t love to get away, though she’s miserable because it’s not the man she really cares about and secretly pines for. There’s the lady who has had the most amazing love affair with her husband of almost 40 years, who tells great tales of her and this man that she loves forever. And she considers it an honor to eat with us….no; it’s us who are honored. There’s my wild and crazy friend who just found out she’s pregnant...and her eldest will graduate high school soon. And let’s not forget my other great friend who longs to break free and be allowed to be herself, but a selfish man keeps her from HER dream. And then there’s me….the dreamer. The girl with her head in the clouds who is trying to find her place, her path to greatness. We’ve agreed to meet if nothing else once a month at the same place, to just sit and catch up on us. Just us. Our lives. What a priceless gift friends are.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that there are some things in this world that make me very happy, having nothing to do with relationships or romance or any of that nonsense. I love to write, for one thing. My English teacher introduced me to it long ago, and Nick helped me get reacquainted with it, through this blog for one thing. And though Nick is no longer available for comment, for he has made himself unavailable through making promises to talk at this time or that and then not being there, knowing him was not a total loss, for he taught me something. Regardless of who the person is who enters or leaves your life if you have learned something from them then it wasn’t a total loss in their departure. So wherever you are Nick, be safe, and do great things with your life.
I love shooting photographs. I love everything about it. I love going out and seeking that next shot, I love the energy that surrounds me while I set up, I love that feeling when I have taken the shot, and I love the creations that I come up with. Granted there are shots that are terrible, and I contemplate the lighting or the angle or whatever tedious little flaw that could have been improved. But it makes me feel….alive. Really alive somehow. It’s almost as though whatever is going on in the universe is somehow all right through making something beautiful.
I have learned not to take most social interaction very seriously, especially those which involve the Internet. Let’s face it, most people just get on there and blah, blah, blah with someone else because they are bored, not because they wish to find a longstanding friendship with anyone. So take everything which is said and done on the computer with a grain of salt. Out of the people I have talked to this year via the computer, only one has been there through it all, and that includes my two best childhood friends: Richard. He’s a great man, and I suppose he’ll do great and wonderful things with his life. I wish him well, and I value his friendship. God Bless Richard. And God Bless Pam and Justin too, my friends throughout much of my life in this state. I know whatever choices they make they’ll be the right ones, because they’ll be the choices they want to make. If that makes any sense at all.
I have learned that I am very very independent and “hopelessly flawed” as Jo puts it from “Little Women.” And I am ok with that. I don’t have a perfect body, and I have a bad temper at times and sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve (which I intend to change that,) and many other things. But this is me. God accepts me, my family and friends accept me, though for whatever reason I am not sure. So it should just make sense that I should accept me as well.
I have learned that I have loved once, maybe twice. It’s not really my fault of the one, for I should have known better than to trust a conniving pothead whore. It’s entirely his loss that he did not want a good woman. But the other was entirely my fault, for I could have had the love of someone very amazing, and yet I threw it away. And now he has moved away from here back to his home in the same state as his parents, and I haven’t seen him in almost a year. Dear Heaven, how I miss him, and how I mistrusted myself. He was the only man since my birth dad that has ever intimidated me. And yet he inspired me at the same time. Caring for the one was like nursing a wounded soldier, but caring for this man was like tending a wildfire with a bucket of water. Totally different, and yet utterly the same result. And yet I am not bitter, or resigned, or depressed. Content, that’s the word. Content with me, content in the knowledge that I did indeed care twice in one lifetime. And content that I have amazing stories yet to be written, secrets yet unheard, beautiful and haunting places left to see, and mysteries to unravel. My spirit is intact, my heart is healing, my mind is as full of ideas as ever, and my life is out there. Soon it shall be time to get out there and grab it.
Merry Christmas, and God Bless. C`est la vie.
Closing One Chapter and Opening another…My Life is Waiting…
Current Mood: Relieved, seriously this time.
Today is a good day. A day of discovery. A day of hopefully utilizing some inherent wisdom. A day for me to finally come to grips with reality and get back my sense of self-respect. Yep, today is a good day. You know who has lied for the last time, to me anyhow. He lied about where he was going last month, he lied about his very sexy relationship with another woman, he lied about his drug use (he claimed he didn’t do anything for months,) he lied about not knowing it was me on the other end of the phone when she picked up the phone. All of these things could maybe possibly have been….I hate to say it…overlooked, had it not have been for the fact that he lied. A guy told me yesterday, “It’s impossible for a man to always tell the truth to a woman.” Well, that’s where you are wrong. This woman would much rather has someone tell her the bloody truth than to have to hear it from another source. Obviously though I loved him dearly, my love wasn’t enough for him. It’s a shame really, having your heart stomped on. It’s not a total loss if you learn something from the situation. And boy I know I have learned something about myself and life in the last few days.
But in any case, it’s done. The past cannot be changed, nor do I think I would want it to at this point. I have spent the last month of my life blaming myself, hating myself, cursing myself and doing things and saying things that I had no business doing or saying. Now I have to answer to God for those actions. I think the breaking point for me was when I had literally stressed out so bad that I had given myself a migraine. The worst one I have ever had in my life. It was the kind that has the nausea that’s so bad you wish you could purge just to relieve some of the tension, but you can’t. So I am laying there in the fetal position when I think: is this really worth it? Is this really the path you want to take?
So today is the first day in one month where I feel absolute peace of mind. I let myself smile, not a forced thing either. I laughed already a couple of times, and it’s only 8 am as I am writing this. I hadn’t laughed in nearly two weeks. It feels good to laugh.
I believe that this is truly divine intervention. Yeah, call me crazy. I don’t really care. I am going to get my self-respect back. I am realizing that I need no validation from some guy to understand that I have self-worth. This is my day to be my own cheerleader. There is a real sense of finality to all of this. Finally, after weeks of questioning everything, questioning who I was and the very things I believe in, I feel…..free. It’s as though I was carrying around a boulder, and last night it was lifted off of me.
It feels good to be back among the living. I am reminded of the new George Strait song, “She Let Herself Go.” That’s gonna be me. No, I wasn’t married, but I felt…obligated somehow to be available in case….in case what? I am not even sure anymore. But I do know that I feel more alive today, more sure of myself than I have in a long time. The old me is coming back…I’ve missed her. I think it’s time I catch up to Sally, my sister in the Quarter-Life Crisis. Except, it’s not a crisis anymore. It’s a conviction…
Watch out world…Ladyhawke is alive and well.