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Raven88 Profile
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Registered: 01-2006
Location: 42
Posts: 1182
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Re: Jokes


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the !@#$ out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

---
http://theoneandonlyanastasiak.blogspot.com/
3/16/2007, 2:17 am Link to post PM Raven88
 
Fran8 Profile
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Registered: 08-2008
Location: Liverpool
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Re: Jokes


  
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,

"let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
9/28/2008, 8:27 am Link to post Email Fran8   PM Fran8
 
Morwen Oronor Profile
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Registered: 01-2008
Location: South Africa
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

You know you're living in South Africa when…

The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.

You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

The Student Union dimunds that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory.

Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation.

Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but a peaceful gay rights march is condemned.

Post Office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed and the filming is an intrusion on their privacy.

A goverment Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence".

Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and violence.

Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.

The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case.

Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.

People start joking about the crime rate.

The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

You paint your car's registrations number on the roof in large letters.

Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu advert.

A Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated BMW.

The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.

A murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6 month sentence.

The prisoners strike!

Crime actually DOES pay.

The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.


You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.

You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.

A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.

The most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations).

You know what "vowlence" is.

People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad over there.

A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.

Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.




All of the above are true and if we didn't laugh, we'd kill ourselves.


 emoticon emoticon
2/11/2009, 6:16 am Link to post PM Morwen Oronor Blog
 
Wiccanlady Profile
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Registered: 03-2009
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Re: Jokes


Why did the hedgehog cross the road?







To show his girlfriend he had guts.
4/6/2009, 5:31 pm Link to post Email Wiccanlady   PM Wiccanlady
 
nobbygoat99 Profile
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Re: Jokes


No, it was to visit his flatmate!!
5/5/2009, 4:33 pm Link to post Email nobbygoat99   PM nobbygoat99
 
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

I never heard that version before! Very good!!


Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said.

"Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least that I could do."
 
 
 
5/6/2009, 7:29 am Link to post Email Wiccanlady   PM Wiccanlady
 
atfcanyon Profile
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Registered: 07-2009
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Re: Jokes


yeah
7/25/2009, 12:33 am Link to post Email atfcanyon   PM atfcanyon
 
Pastor Rick Profile
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Registered: 07-2005
Location: Texas
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Re: Jokes


Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?















A: The space bar! emoticon

---

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7/12/2015, 2:54 am Link to post Email Pastor Rick   PM Pastor Rick Blog
 
Messup434 Profile
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Registered: 12-2014
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

Q: Why so stop lights turn red?







A: You would too if you had to change in front of everyone (change as in change color) emoticon

---
Keshi Heads
7/12/2015, 3:34 am Link to post Email Messup434   PM Messup434 Blog
 
Pastor Rick Profile
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Re: Jokes


Q: What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?


















A: Floodlights!

---

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7/12/2015, 3:50 am Link to post Email Pastor Rick   PM Pastor Rick Blog
 
Messup434 Profile
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

No idea for a joke lol.

---
Keshi Heads
7/12/2015, 3:53 am Link to post Email Messup434   PM Messup434 Blog
 
Pastor Rick Profile
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Re: Jokes


You'll like this one...

Q: Why did the teacher go to the beach?


















A: To test the water.

---

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7/12/2015, 3:57 am Link to post Email Pastor Rick   PM Pastor Rick Blog
 
Messup434 Profile
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

Where are you getting your jokes?

---
Keshi Heads
7/12/2015, 3:58 am Link to post Email Messup434   PM Messup434 Blog
 
Pastor Rick Profile
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Re: Jokes


The last one was from here

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?















A: Pumpkin Pi!

---

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7/12/2015, 4:24 am Link to post Email Pastor Rick   PM Pastor Rick Blog
 
Messup434 Profile
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Re: Jokes


 emoticon

Thanks they're all keepers so far lol!

---
Keshi Heads
7/12/2015, 4:26 am Link to post Email Messup434   PM Messup434 Blog
 
Pastor Rick Profile
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Re: Jokes


Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?



















A: It was the chickens day off!

---

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7/12/2015, 4:30 am Link to post Email Pastor Rick   PM Pastor Rick Blog
 


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